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Tuesday, August 16, 2011


यादें बन गयी है दुश्मन 
ले जाती है हमें उस मोड़ पर 
जहाँ दिल जाना ही नहीं चाहता 
याद आते है वह गुज़रे हुए दिन 

  जब तुम, तुम न थे और हम, हम नहीं
 बस एक अनजान चेहरा जिसकी हमें पहचान न थी!

 याद आता है वो लम्हा 
 जब नज़रें मिली थी, मन में बेचैनी थी
 और दिल में एक आवाज़ उठी 
 कहीं तुम वही तो नहीं ?

 याद आते है वो पल
वो पहली मुस्कराहट 
वो बातें वो मुलाकातें 
याद आते है वो दिन
 वो वादे और वो ईरादे

 ये यादें क्यूँ आती है
  हमें हर पल यूँ तडपाती है
  वक़्त गुज़र गया है पर बदला  कुछ नहीं
 जैसा कल था वैसा आज भी, सच है यही

 तुम, तुम नहीं हो और हम हम नहीं
 बस एक अनजान चेहरा जिसकी हमें पहचान नहीं !

Looking Beyond !

Look beyond the horizon, there's much to see.
Smell the fragrance of the earth, mystic it's bound to be !

Listen to the music and feel the love in the air.
Dance to the beats of joy, let loose all care !

Look beyond the horizon , there's much to feel........

Give up on the pretense , think beyond existence
It's a wonderful life, if you know how to live !

Look beyond the horizon, there's much to find..........

Break the shackles of hate, the clock of eternity 'll not wait.
Experience the joy of giving, add some meaning to your living !

Look beyond the horizon ,there's much more to life..........


While the world around is sound asleep
my aching heart keeps me awake;
bringing together the joyful memories
that are now edged with pain!

I try to shut out the memories
but they return time and again.
I try to console my heart
but in vain----

I drift back in to the past
which now seems like a lost dream;
Tears start rolling down easily
uncontrollable they seem!

In the stillness of the night
I call out to you.
"Where are you my friend?
Don't you hear my cries?"
You may have forgotten everything
but I treasure the moments we spent together;
when my pain was yours,
and your's-mine.

Two hearts but one feeling
two minds but the same thought!
For hours I would chatter
but you never once seemed bored ,
Up to silly pranks all the time
but you never did mind.

I opened my heart to you-----
A friend , I could trust with my life !
In the stillness of the night----
while my eyes are heavy with tears,
while my heart aches in misery,
while my mind battles with frustration;
I long to see you my friend ,
atleast once before I face my end !
The candle of my life is burning away .
That it may last till I see you ,is all that I pray
For the right moment I know ,you await ;
by then it may be too late !

In the stillness of the night----
I long to hear your voice ,
whether I'll set my eyes on you ,
I'll let destiny decide .
until then I am forced
to listen to my own cries ----
In the stillness of the night !


The world, to live in , may seem like a gloomy place
with absolutely nothing worthy of praise;
None has a minute to spare
or even a kind word of care.
But never mind dear heart, never mind
for, solace thou shall soon find !
The world is filled with people , selfish & mean;
living with them , a task , tougher than has ever been.
There's never a helping hand here
and no shoulder to lean.
But never mind dear heart, never mind
for , a friend thou shall soon find !!
This world may seem like a heavy burden;
also a cause for many a heart to harden.
There's neither peace here nor a trace of joy,
filled with only sorrow , sin , & despair.
But never mind dear heart , never mind
for , comfort ,thou shall soon find !!!
But dear heart the more I see of this world
disillusioned ; I begin to follow------
This life is a big facade and
all the reassurances , simply hollow !!!!

MY SEARCH IS ON--------------

Who am I ?
What am I doing here ?
What is this strange place ?
Why am I here ?
Will I get my answers ?
My search is on-----------
Why am I confused ?
Or am I ?
What is this frustration for ?
Is there an outlet , a vent ?
Who am I putting these queries to ?
My search is on------------
What is "happiness " ?
The antonym for sorrow ?
Why is anyone unhappy ?
Because there is hatred ?
Why should there be hatred ?
My search is on---------------
Why does my mind experience a turmoil ?
Does it happen to all ?
Why is there a battle of emotions ?
Is this natural ?
Why is there an ache in my heart ?
My search is on ----------------
Why is each one of us living in pain ?
Because there’s no trust ?
What is trust after all ?
The belief in the Omnipotent ?
Who is the Omnipotent ?
My search is on ----------------


How strange this world seems,
Oh Lord ! Where have i come ?
A nightmare ? Is this the end of my dreams ?
This place void of angels, simply awesome !
Dear God , how secure and jofful ,
content i was in my mother's womb ;
from the moment i entered this world , awful ,
i have been living in my own tomb !
In this strange place , strange creatures i see.
stranger still their ways ; i doubt if they 'll accept me.
Their feelings dead ; they haven't ever known glee.
Mercy God ,from this dreadful hell , I wish to flee !
Safe & protected i was , an unopened bud;
the lotus amidst murk yet sans mud.
Piercing & tearing me are the cruel spines;
for comfort & for love my heart pines !
In this strange world , I find no place
that can offer me peace,happiness & solace .
I see distress & grief & am simply aghast,
wishing that my wonderful sanctuary weren't lost !
Left behind is nothing but a pall of gloom ,
my life- the flower that was yet to bloom.
As a little bud , I was plucked & my petals shred ,
Even before I could learn to live , I was dead !


Life is an upward journey ,
has been yesterday & so is today .
Still upward as the days go by
and years pass away !

Still upward as of now
with obstacles that 'll never bow .
Aspiring to reach that height ,
embracing name , fame & delight !

Life is an endless journey
through disappointments .
Through happiness & through sorrow
facing trials along the roads narrow !

Life is a journey through struggles & challenges ,
either one fails to accept them or simply faces them .
Life is also a journey through hope & desire
raging in one's heart like fire !

Life is but the beginning of death ,
anguish , pain , agony & frustration .
Moving closer & still closer
towards destruction !

Life is a journey through dreams
woven patiently through the years .
which may for the blessed few
sometimes prove to be really true !

Life is to obtain salvation
with belief , trust & devotion .
Life is a dark cloud with a silver lining ;
when the clouds disappear , the sun's still shining !

Life is a purposeful journey
towards a locked door ;
our entrance through which depends
on our deeds & so also destiny !

Life is an upward journey
and 'll always be ;
which 'll never prove futile ,
if one can only spare a smile !


It began as a dark and cloudy day ,
hither & tither my thoughts wandered away .
Any time now its gonna rain;
the dull weather 's adding to my thoughts ,
hopeless and vain---------

The dark night's approaching slowly ,
and here i am sitting in my room;
the twinkling stars in my life have vanished ,
in their place i find ,depression & gloom.

In the sleepy nights , i often have a vision.
Wonder if its a farce or truly a premonition .
The signals are positive , however fuzzy & unclear ,
while a voice keeps repeating---"end's near "

Should i believe it or should i not ?
Is the controversy in my mind .
But as the morning sun shines brightly ,
i begin my daily chores , leaving my nightmares behind .

The dark night 'll soon be back
and history 'll repeat itself again.
Along with the darkness ,eerie and black ;
will return my thoughts & fears------
hopeless and vain .

Sometimes my thoughts do mislead .
The past is past ; dead and buried ,
while the present's today , full of life ,
and the future 'll be fine ,if one can strive .

Frankly this is easier said than believed .
From the cluthes of depression , i wish to be released .
Each day of my life seems to me,
as one ghastly nightmare ;
with each passing moment ,
about the hopelessness of it , i am made aware

As i pen down each line ,
i wish to relive all the happy moments of mine ;
Sans care , those good old days ,
and for happiness & peace , my heart does pine.

As goes the age old saying ,
"Make hay while the sun's still shining" ,
while the time's gay , i just keep smiling .
It wont be long before they return again ;
My thoughts-------------- hopeless & vain .


The wind blew hither and tither
beating everything in its way.
But the flower kept standing,
firm in its belief!

The storm came and went
lashing out at everything.
But the flower withstood it all,
firm in its belief!

The scorching sun burned everything
it could lay its hands on.
But the flower persisted still,
firm in its belief!

A breeze of love followed
spreading cheer and love amongst all.
The flower -not used to gentleness,
confused;let loose its hold---

The wind ,the storm and the sun took their toll
caught anawares;the flower was torn apart.
When the storm died and calm reigned again,
wounded and dying , lay the flower;

totally emptied of its life,
almost dead but not quite-----


Today , i feel simply depressed,
with great difficulty , my tears i 've supressed .
Some times my strength does break
and i begin to wonder if my life were a mistake !

My eyes are filled with unshed tears ,
pondering over wounded feelings that pierce .
The sleepless nights have started
while peace from my life has departed !

There are times when i feel terribily insecure
some thing for which i can never find the cure .
Life around me seems like an uncongenial sphere ;
how i long to have a companion or someone near !

Gone with wind is my interest & concentration ,
buried very deep is my lost aim & ambition .
Distant & far away seem people , even my own ;
in this dark & mysterious world , i feel terribily alone !

Repeated pleas, i make to God
and every day i say ---"please Lord ,
take me away today ,
to some place peaceful & gay !!


I don’t remember much about
How I spent my childhood ,
Though I do imagine the
Hand that held mine …

I don’t remember the hand
That wiped my tears ,
Nor do I remember
Ever being held in all the years …

I don’t remember the comfort
Of a mother’s presence
While I fought silent battles
During the dreaded long nights…

I don’t remember the peace
Of lying in your arms
During the most trying periods
When life seemed so very futile …

I don’t remember the joy on your face
Over my little triumphs in life
Or even the hand that reached out
When I stumbled in life…

I don’t remember
A lot of things in life
But simply convince myself
About their reality in my life …

I don’t remember
Looking to you for support
Nor do I remember
The kind words of care …

I may not remember
Many things in life
But I do believe in our special bond
And you shall always be loved !!!!!!!!


A wonderful day real bright
metamorphosed in to a dull silent night ;
The bright sun that was shining in all its might
crept behind the clouds as if in fright.

There was no more chirping of the birds
which rushed in to their sanctuaries in their plight;
on witnessing in the sky, a thunderous fight .
in the hope of a warm day , after the death of the silent night.

The wind blew & in its rage
snatched from the earth, trees of age.
There was a down pour of rain ,
the clouds exhibitting their might.

The grey pavement soon
disappeared out of sight .
It was a fight of rights & over the day ,
truly the dark night had won.

But there shall be a bright tomorrow again ,
when over the clouds 'll emerge , the triumphant sun !


Once upon a time , there was a girl ,
slim , tall and fair .
Her long , black hair
resembled the beautiful mane of a mare !
Those enchanting lashes
around her pretty eyes ,
could easily entice men
and turn their voices into sighs !
The dimples in her cheek
played hide and seek ;
making the mightiest of the men
love sick , weary and meek !
The cute nose above her lips
stood with such poise ;
that stealing glances at her
would arrive the princes in disguise !
She was like a princess , very sweet ,
her charming smile , nothing could beat .
Her skin blushed like the rose
while painters craved for her pose !
Her life took a sudden turn ,
with each passing day , she began to yearn
seeking love , happiness and peace ,
sans hunger , sans sleep , her lips forgot to say "cheese" !
Her pretty eyes became sore
and soon her smiles began to cease ;
while people assumed that she
was struck by a strange disease !
Feeling melancholy , she 'd drown
into reveries during the day
and as arrived the silent night ,
she 'd sigh and simply pray !
Finally came the day , when her eyes met
with those that had snatched away her rest ;
wonder if it were tears in her eyes or dew ,
her heart felt hope and dream had come true !
The birds sang , while the flowers began to dance
to the melodic tunes of cheer & romance .
shining brightly was the sun above ,
the diagnosis was -----she was in love !!


Just like a new born bud

that rises from the axil of a leaf,

dreams take birth

in the minds of mortals !

Slow & steady the dream takes shape

and a mere wish gets transformed

into a fatal obsession;

when pain seems like pure passion !!

The world through a dreamer's eyes

is no less than any paradise.

When reality is replaced by the dream;

A mirage in the desert, life is one

facade !!!

When dreams begin to seem real

and destiny is mocked at;

its nothing but the beginning--

the beginning of the end !!!!

Therefore ,a dreamer's advice

to all the dreamers alike;



YOUR DREAM ." !!!!!

For, when dreams begin to seem real

and reality is ignored------

sorrow reigns,tragedy strikes

and the end is definite.!!!!!!

This was first posted by me on

By sonalimedakkar on Friday, September 22, 2000 - 09:49 pm

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I still remember that afternoon during the 1994 summer break following the end of the 1st year exams, when I had received her call and in a very timid manner she had requested if she could be my friend. Her objective was very clear. She wanted to pass her exams. I do not know why she chose me.

When Smita (our Microbiology lecturer) saw her moving closely with me and my group of pals at BDC, I remember she called me aside and warned me that Raji was a dud and that she had failed her 1st year and was repeating it and I should be careful :) People's backgrounds or their IQ levels were never my barometer for making friends and so I did not pay heed to Smita's warning.

End of year 1 and the lady surely did not fare too well, but she was not the only one. While I certainly did not mind moving or associating with people who were not too intellectually or academically inclined, I did not like being made an example for my pals to show them where they stood in comparison and there began the counseling sessions. I realized Raji was not dumb. She was just challenged by the complexity of the medium of instruction(English) as her previous education was based in Telugu.

Raji wanted to graduate at any cost. Reason- she was promised a good job by one of her relatives.she did not want to get married and start family ASAP right after graduation or even without it.She knew if she did not graduate, she would be married off to some Tom,Dick and Harry immediately and so she fought.

She used to come over to my place and burn the midnight oil during the exams and I ended up coaching her as much as I could. she would get tired and doze off while I would elbow her, nudge her and bring her back to the books.

There were times I realized during the lectures that she would echo (10 times louder) what ever I answered when a question was raised by any lecturer without giving it a thought and to correct her, I remember I was mean enough to utter the wrong answers on purpose and watch the fun. Of course there was no malice. This was just the inherent naughtiness that I always indulged in.

Gosh, there are just too many memories. I will end up writing a book.

Then of course there was Sci Quest when we were in the final year. Raji convinced me to accompany her to her village "Tippareddypalli". When we were almost there she told me there were no loos in the village and people just relieved themselves in the farms to my utter shock.she was pulling my legs :)

I spent the most amazing 2 days of my life in that village in a mud house.Had tea made from milk that was just off the cow, food cooked with the vegetables that we picked ourselves. We went in search of abandoned nests that we brought back with us for use in the science exhibition.

Then came a day when I received a call, while I was at the University doing my Masters.It was Raji's mother asking me to come home. I realized this was something critical. When I reached her home that evening, I found her in tears and her mother told me they had found a good match for her. The guy was well settled, and was living in Hyderabad.But Raji was not interested in getting married.While my heart echoed Raji's feelings, I couldn't argue the practicality that her mother put forth in terms of a family that did not have the support of a male (her father had left them) and there were 3 younger siblings including a younger sister and two younger brothers who were still studying.There was no support and the mother was managing the show on her own.  This proposal was God sent for her. At that point in life, Raji was not inclined towards academics and just happy with what ever she was doing (a job with a computer institute). If there was anyone's whose opinion mattered to Raji, it was me and her mother knew this. I agreed with her mother and together we convinced her to get married. (I don't know if I did the right thing then,but having met her husband Prabhakar, I knew he was the best thing that could have happened to her) Today, in retrospection, I wonder if I had not convinced her, maybe she would have got married to someone else and wouldn't have gone through the agony of her husband's death with the responsibilities of 2 kids on her lone shoulders) There are so many "if onlys" that I am going through today.

I had gone for her wedding that took place in the village and also accompanied her to her "in law's" house in a neighboring village.I still remember that night when she was trembling in fear of the anticipated event and was burning in fever. She refused to leave my side (I was given a mattress on the terrace along with the other members of her family) No amount of convincing helped and ultimately a few women came and forcibly took her down to her husband.

I couldn't help feeling sad for her but to my surprise the next morning she was by my side to wake me up in time for the bus to Hyderabad, all smiles and no fever.
I returned back to Hyderabad, more relieved than ever.

In the months that followed, we remained in touch and she was blessed with Teja. Thereafter I got married and settled in Delhi and communication was not as often but we remained in touch as Raji never forgot to call up my parents to get the latest updates.

In the years that followed, I moved to Singapore and we hardly communicated directly. I got her updates and like wise she knew my whereabouts through my parents. One constant nagging worry she always had was the fact that I had not yet had children. Very subtly she kept driving the point home about how the medical field has advanced and how I should not delay but do something about it. She kept visiting various temples and kept praying for me to be blessed with a child.

My life got more busier with a job as a scientist in a contract research firm. I still remember the day, I received her call from India to congratulate me. Knowing her I couldn't expect anything ordinary. She started off by saying "Sonu you are very unlucky but I am lucky". When I asked her why and what made her believe that, she told me bluntly, "I can tell the world I have a friend who is a Scientist, but unfortunately you can't do that. You only have dud friends like me". Recollecting that conversation still brings a smile on my face till date.

That was her humbleness, her simplicity which kept me bound to her friendship. She was happy in my happiness and cried when I did. She had absolutely no expectations from me.

A few years later in 2003, she had a second child, a girl and named her Manasvi. Knowing Manasvi was fast approaching her first birthday, I was considering sending her a birthday gift and so Raji was on my mind as I had not received any updates or communication from her for over two months. During a casual conversation with my parents, I learn t the reason she had not called me for so long was because her husband Prabhakar was sadly snatched away from her in a tragic road accident. My parents hid this fact from me as they felt I would be mentally traumatized knowing how close a friend she was. This did not reduce my guilt. At a time when she was fighting the most challenging circumstances and struggling to come to terms with her loss, I was no where near her.

Soon after, I visited India with Raji on my agenda. Her son Teja, then about 5 years old had a lost look in his eyes. He understood that his father was not coming back from where ever he had gone. Manasvi was an active toddler, blissfully unaware of the sadness around her. This was a totally lost Raji I was seeing for the first time. No words needed to be spoken. There was an awkward  silence for a few seconds and a momentary flicker of a questioning glare from Raji, perhaps asking me silently why I wasn't there and why she was going through this. The moment only lasted for as long as I could remember. She threw herself towards me and I held her until the tearful outburst subsided. I knew she was going through the worst phase ever and this loss was irreplaceable. Later when she managed to calm down, we managed to exchange notes. She was offered a job in Prabhakar's intistute and seemed to make ends meet.

With the new job, she had regular access to emails and so we kept in touch more often now. In the years that followed, I found her fighting spirit rising again and although I never got to see the same old Raji again, I know she was trying hard to get back to normalcy. In order to secure a better job and career, she decided to do the impossible. She actually enrolled for a Master's degree in Chemistry and actually passed with flying colours.
I am so proud of her. She intended to enroll for a PhD making me realize how a strong will could move mountains. One only needs to have the Will to do something!

I made a number of visits to India in the years that followed and Raji never failed to meet up at each visit. It was August 2008 when I last met her during one of my visits to Hyderabad. Thereafter, my circumstances, a critical & high risk pregnancy (yes, finally it seemed like Raji's God answered her prayers) kept me from traveling to India. My son was born in September 2009 and Raji kept calling, asking me about my plans to visit India.

I finally made up my mind to visit India for Diwali in 2010 and told Raji about the same. We exchanged a few mails now and then and she kept asking for my arrival date. The demands of a baby, the job and home caught on. Life was getting hectic with no time for anything else.

On the 27th of May 2010, I got a one liner mail from Raji.

"sonu, how are you, how's babu"

I was so used to her one liner mails and forever irritated that she never wrote much about herself or the kids.

I replied back,

"Both of us are doing well. Life is too hectic though. Will be in Hyd during Dasara Diwali.

Love to the kids.

Will call u tonight.

Sonu "

Well, the so called "busy life" I led did not let me keep my word. I did not call Raji as I had mentioned.

On the 2nd of June, I received another two liner mail. This time from Venu, Raji's younger brother.


 Akka this is venu Rajithas  brother

 Akka  31st  night died to stroke"
A few calls to Hyderabad and a talk with my parents confirmed the fact that Raji was unwell in the days before she passed away. She was apparently diagnosed with a heart ailment that left her in a lot of pain. On the 31st of May, while she was feeding her children, she collapsed and probably lost her life on the spot.
The ground was snatched from beneath my feet. The void and the loss I experienced that day and then on, is something that can't be expressed in words.
I went through mixed feelings, initially feeling really angry that she never bothered to let me know about her ailment but realized how this simple, down to earth village belle was so self less in her friendship.  The only thing she had ever asked of me was my friendship. Today, I feel rich knowing I had a friend who taught me the value of unconditional love and yet really poor for the fact that I could not reciprocate it just as well.
Raji can only be "unconditional friendship personified" and continues to live in my heart and memories forever!